


I am crushing and blue, I am all consuming, a never ending depth, what am I?

by Mystrothedefender



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-29 05:23:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13920285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystrothedefender/pseuds/Mystrothedefender
Summary: Edward is having a hard time.He reaches out.Perhaps he can find some help.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a classic 'project all your problems and feelings onto a character' fic.

Edward breathed deeply, sitting on the floor in the livingroom of his hideout. He closed his eyes, focussing on inhaling and exhaling.

He was trying to come up with ideas, but none jumped at him. He’d feel perhaps the hint of one and then once he started to make plans or sketches any wisp of inspiration he had disappeared like steam.

He felt… bad.

He had for a while.

A few months previously he’d hit a huge wave of motivation and ridden it as far as it’d take him.

But then something had happened.

He’d been out buying milk and he’d knocked someone accidentally.

He felt his breath shorten at the memory of what had happened.

‘ _Sorry ma’am, didn’t mean to bump you._ ’

He grit his teeth, the line played over again and again in his head.

It’d shaken him, badly.

Did he look like a ‘ma’am’?

He pulled himself from the floor, walking over to the covered mirror and pulling off the blanket he’d put over it.

He looked himself up and down.

He didn’t.

He didn’t look like a woman.

He didn’t.

He squared his shoulders, turning slightly, finding the most unflattering angle.

Even then he didn’t look like a woman.

The slight outline of his binder was the only hint that anything was amiss.

The stranger wouldn’t have seen that through the hoodie Edward had been wearing.

“Fuck,” he swore to himself, going back to his place on the floor.

He was fighting his own mind, he knew it made no sense, but he couldn’t convince himself to get over it.

“I’m a man,” he said to himself.

Was there any way he could get himself out of this?

“I’m a man.”

“I’m a man…”

The repetitions get weaker, like he was losing the battle against himself.

He pulled out his phone, scrolling through his contacts.

He needed to talk to someone.

He needed to get his mind off this somehow.

No one seemed like a good fit for this particular issue.

But that didn’t really matter.

He wrote out a simple riddle and sent it to everyone, he’d talk to the first person who replied.

He held onto the phone, staring down at it and waiting for someone to respond.

After a few minutes it buzzed in his hands.

A reply from Harvey.

‘ _It’s either the ocean or depression_.’

Edward let out a sigh and opened the message, shaking his head, ‘The latter’ he texted back.

‘ _Are you ok?_ ’

Edward rolled his eyes, he was certainly not ok, he should be but he wasn’t.

His phone buzzed again.

‘ _Do you want me to come over?_ ’

‘No.’

‘I just wanted to talk to someone.’

The phone buzzed again, this time it was a call.

He stared at it for a moment before answering.

“Edward,” Harvey’s gravelly voice sounded relatively cheery through the phone.

“Hey,” Edward answered, unable to answer with the same gusto.

“How are you, young man?”

Edward’s gut tensed at the term.

He just wanted to talk.

He didn’t want pandering to.

That’s what he got for talking to a cis person.

He hung up, throwing his phone across the room and onto his bed.

He felt his breath shortening again, this time he wasn’t sure if he could stop it, the weight on his chest grew, he couldn’t stop panicking.

The phone buzzed violently on the bed, it wasn’t enough to pull him out.

That had made everything worse, he should never have talked to him.

He gasped for breath, his eyes filling with distressed tears.

Eventually the phone’s buzzing stopped.

He closed his eyes again and focussed on his breathing, rocking where he sat.

He dug his nails into the sides of his head.

He wanted this to end, he wanted these feelings gone.

He just wanted to feel right for once in his life.

No one really cared. Why should they? There was no point to this. No benefit to anyone. None of this mattered.

He jolted at a knock at the door.

He wiped his eyes and turned, his stomach twisting.

He didn’t want to talk to anyone.

“Edward?” Harvey’s voice came from the other side of the door.

There was a pause.

Edward couldn’t bring himself to answer.

“If you don’t answer me in 5 seconds I’m coming in.”

Edward opened his mouth to talk, but no words left him.

He flinched as Harvey began to hammer on the door, trying to break it in.

He felt himself break down, beginning to sob.

The noise was too much.

He couldn’t take it.

He wanted it to end.

The noise stopped, replaced by footsteps.

He felt Harvey’s hand on his shoulder.

A torn sob left him at the sound of Harvey’s voice.

“Edward, what have you done?” Harvey asked, his grip on Edward’s shoulder tight.

“I,” Edward forced himself to say, “I haven’t… done anything.”

“There’s blood on your face.”

Harvey wiped his sleeve on Edward’s face, showing him the blood.

Edward let out another sob at the sight.

He hadn’t meant to hurt himself.

He hadn’t even realised.

“Why would you do that?” Harvey asked sternly.

Edward shook his head.

“I just…”

He shook his head again, unable to find the words he wanted or the energy to say them.

Harvey lowered himself to the floor, sitting opposite Edward.

“I don’t know how to help you with this, Ed.”

“I don’t know what you’re going through.”

“But I’m here for you.”

A loud noise left Edward as Harvey spoke, somewhere between a sob and a scream.

His tears stung his eyes but he couldn’t stop them.

He didn’t want to feel this anymore.

“Help me,” he managed to whimper out.

Harvey outstretched his hands to take Edwards.

They were large in comparison.

Even seeing that hurt.

He wanted to pull back.

But he couldn’t.

He couldn’t do anything.

Harvey squeezed his hands.

“Don’t worry, Ed. I’m here.”

“I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Edward looked up at him.

It was so easy for him to say.

There was no way he could stop this.

He couldn’t stop him feeling this way.

The idea that he could, that anyone could…

Edward shook his head.

“Edward.”

Harvey’s voice was so soft.

Another sob left Edward.

He couldn’t stop them.

He must look so weak.

So helpless.

“I’m not a man…” he whimpered.

“I’m not.”

Harvey frowned at him.

“What are you talking about?”

“Yes, you are.”

Edward shook his head.

“Look at me, Harvey. I’m not.”

“Edward.”

Harvey’s voice was harder now.

He sounded almost angry.

“You are a man, Edward.”

Harvey repeated.

“You are.”

“I don’t know who made you feel like this, but they’re wrong.”

Edward looked away, sniffling as he stared at his feet.

Harvey let go of his hands.

A moment later they wrapped themselves around him, scooping him up.

As if he weighed almost nothing.

“You need to sleep, Ed.”

“You’ll feel better after sleeping.”


	2. Chapter 2

Edward sat at the breakfast table, eating dry cheerios out of the box. The sides of his head still hurt from the scratches he’d caused himself, his eyes were itchy from last nights tears and his head ached from dehydration.

He knew he should drink something but he didn’t want to, he deserved the pain. It helped keep his mind off everything else; he couldn’t think about his dysphoria if he was in too much pain to think.

Last night had been terrible. He never wanted to see Harvey again. He was happy the man hadn’t still been here when he’d woken up.

He put the box of cereal back on the table, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

He picked up his phone for the first time today and frowned at his notifications.

4 missed calls, 8 messages.

Within the space of 7 minutes.

All from Harvey the previous night.

‘ _Did you hang up on me?_ ’

‘ _Ed are you ok?’_

_‘answer me’_

_‘Eddy answer your phone’_

_‘Don’t do anything stupid’_

_‘please’_

_‘answer me’_

_‘I’m coming over’_

Edward sighed deeply, shaking his head.

Harvey didn’t really care, he just didn’t want to feel guilty.

He hadn’t even made sure Edward took his binder off before going to sleep.

Deep pink marks covered his chest now, it looked as if it hurt but his head hurt so badly it wasn’t registering.

As long as he didn’t wear a binder today he should be fine.

He didn’t really plan on getting dressed… or doing anything today.

He checked his texts in order to get rid of the notifications, and put his phone back on the table.

He turned his head to the TV, turning it on just to have some background noise, he couldn’t focus on whatever the program was, he just didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts.

The phone buzzed on the table, the loud noise making him jump.

It was a text from Harvey.

‘ _you’re up’_

_‘are you feeling better?’_

Edward let out a groan, he didn’t want to reply.

But if he didn’t reply Harvey might come over.

The last thing he wanted was to see Harvey again.

He was so embarrassed.

He closed his eyes for a moment, running his hand through his hair. He picked up the phone and typed out a reply.

‘Yes’

It wasn’t the truth, but it’d get Harvey off his back and he’d be able to wallow by himself.

The phone buzzed again, Edward felt a twist in his chest. He leant over to look at the phone again.

Harvey, again.

_‘Do you want to go out for a coffee?’_

Edward grit his teeth as he read the message, he swore to himself.

Now Harvey felt _sorry_ for him.

He’d seen Edward at his lowest point and now he wanted to try to make him feel _better_.

As if anything could.

As if one day out and treating a cup of coffee would magically make everything better.

‘That’s a hard no from me, Harv.’

Edward knew that after a couple of times Harvey would lose interest, he’d learn there was no amount of treats or niceties that would make him feel better.

It’d happened a few times before, he was sick of it. He hated people seeing him like that. It was a temporary lapse in his mental state, it didn’t mean anything, but they judged him for it, started acting like he was made of paper.

He growled as the phone buzzed again.

“Just shut up, Harvey, shut the fuck up…”

He dismissed the message, not bothering to read it.

He needed to do something to make himself feel better.

He couldn’t keep focussing on this, especially not with Harvey on his tail.

He couldn’t let him see him that weak again.

He got up from his chair and walked across the room, finding an old loose sports bra to wear.

Maybe shaving would help.

Shaving usually helped.

He walked into the bathroom and turned on the tap, running the water a little hotter than usual.

Again he felt he deserved the pain.

He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, looking for his most flattering angle.

He looked handsome.

He kept telling himself.

He looked good.

He was handsome.

He splashed his face with water, watching the skin redden a little from the heat. He sprayed a small amount of shaving cream on his hand and spread it over his face.

After admiring himself again he picked up his razor, running it under the hot water before putting It to his face.

The soft scratching of the blade across his face, it helped.

The fuzz disappearing from his face… It did help.

He wasn’t sure if he were tricking himself but he felt it made him look more manly.

He wasn’t tricking himself.

He was too smart to fall for that.

Once he wiped off his face he went back into the main room of his hideout.

He stood, still, by the door.

Harvey stood in the middle of the room, two paper cups of coffee in hand.

He’d just… walked in.

Obviously the damage he’d done to the door meant he could just waltz in whenever he felt like it.

“What are you doing here?” Edward asked.

His breath felt short.

He was only wearing his boxers and a sports bra.

No one had seen him without him being fully dressed in a very long time.

Not with the light on, at least.

Harvey turned to look at him.

“I said I was going to bring coffee.”

Edward frowned, confused.

“Didn’t you see my text?”

Edward shook his head.

“I’m not decent.”

His voice was weak, he was shocked.

He cleared his throat.

“I don’t want to see anyone today. I’ve got a headache.”

Harvey frowned.

“Coffee isn’t a good idea then.”

The man glanced towards Edward’s kitchen.

“Maybe water.”

He walked across the room and took a glass, filling it with water.

Edward looked on, his brow furrowing in… disgust.

“Why are you in my house, Harvey?”

Harvey looked down at him as he moved to pass him the water.

“I’m trying to help.”

“I didn’t ask for your help.”

Harvey paused for a moment.

“Yes, you did.”

Edward crossed his arms.

“When?”

“Last night.”

Edward sighed through gritted teeth.

He was angry but he could barely make eye contact with him.

He’d asked for help?

Harvey had to be lying.

He wouldn’t do something like that.

“That doesn’t mean you can just walk into my house. There’s a little thing called privacy, Harvey, you should look it up.”

Harvey paused again.

“I’m sorry, I knocked but you didn’t answer.”

Edward shook his head, anger rising in him.

“No you didn’t. Don’t do it again Harvey. If I want you to come in I’ll let you in.”

Maybe Harvey was lying about all of it.

He picked up his phone and pulled up the text from Harvey. He had said he’d come over with coffee, that much was true.

“Get out of here, Harvey.”

“Edward.”

“ _Please_.”

He gestured towards the door, his face hot.

“Edward, I just-“

“I don’t need your help Harvey. Get out.”

Harvey’s demeanour seemed to change.

He turned and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

Edward jolted at the noise, but instantly felt relieved.

Maybe now Harvey would leave him alone.


End file.
